1. Hot Dogs and Golden Section
3. Where has all my time gone?
4. How do I practice triad progressions by myself?
6. Trouble with time signatures
1. Hot Dogs and Golden Section
Dear Maestro,
We were wondering... why is it that hot dogs come in packs of eight but hot dog
buns only come in packs of six?
Yours in joyful hope,
Ryan, Simon and Cliff.
Dear Grime, Sigh and Precipice,
Clearly you three have not been concentrating in my 20th Century music theory
classes. I assume you've been zoning out after one of those late-night "gigs" you
seem to enjoy at my expense. Anyway...
During the unit on 'Golden Section Proportion' we discussed at length how the
ratios of hot dogs to white hot dog buns share a special relationship numerically
represented by (1 + √5) / 2 or as a ratio a:b = a+b:a where 'a' equals
the larger item (that's HOT DOGS to you) and 'b' the smaller (BUNS, MAN, BUNS).
As further backed-up by Fibonacci, a man infamous for hot-dog-bun-induced frenzied
rabbit breeding, if you divide the two integers you quote (6/8) you get a number
which is not entirely completely off the Golden Section number.
I.e. 6/8 = 0.75 but might as well be 0.618
Wow!
But wait!
If you happen to purchase and consume three hundred packs of hot dogs (2400),
you will require a mere four hundred packs of buns for a perfect match.
Oh, don't forget 1376 packets of stomach antacid also...
Guru Jonathan.
Dear Maestro,
Every time I try to write the blues, it comes out happy and sterile. What am
I doing wrong?
Thanks,
Chris.
Dear Crust,
You just haven't lived enough of life yet to feel the blues! I asked an older
mentor of mine in L.A. about what to do about this, and he sent the following
"Blues Primer":
Guru Jonathan.
A BLUES PRIMER
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes, "sort of":
"
Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500
pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...
Ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or sport utility vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues; they ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the Blues in any place that doesn't get rain.
8. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.
9. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. Empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
10. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's.
b. Gallery openings.
c. Ivy League institutions.
d. Golf courses.
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be an old Negro - and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the rig ht to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. You older than dirt.
b. You blind.
c. You shot a man in Memphis.
d. You can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. You have all your teeth.
b. You were once blind but now can see.
c. The man in Memphis lived.
d. You have a 401K or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got
a leg up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap wine.
b. Whiskey or bourbon.
c. Muddy water.
d. Black coffee.
The following are not Blues beverages:
a. Perrier.
b. Chardonnay.
c. Snapple.
d. Slim Fast.
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are
the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Alma.
b. Big Mama.
c. Bessie.
d. Fat River Dumpling.
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe.
b. Willie.
c. Little Willie.
d. Big Willie.
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name starter kit:
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Ugly, etc.)
b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. Last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing
the Blues.
3. Where has all my time gone?
Dear Maestro,
How do you manage to do so much at once? What's your secret of time management?
Why can't I seem to stay "on top" of everything?
Regards,
Leigh.
Dear Bleat,
I was listening to a radio news story which declared the statistic that the
average person of your age watches 8 to 15 hours of television every week.
So here's a simple start: kill your TV!
I also found the following web site useful for effective time-management tips and advice on goal-setting etc: www.getmoredone.com
Guru Jonathan.
4. How do I practice triad progressions by myself?
Dear Maestro,
How do I practice triad progressions by myself?
Regards,
Ash.
Dear Wednesday,
It's great that you managed to answer your own question; it means we can all
benefit! So here's your findings for all to read:
Guru Jonathan.
I found a way to practice the triad progressions. It's for PC though.
Anyway you need a program called "Noteworthy
Composer".
Put in each triad progression in every key into Sibelius at a tempo of crotchet
= 30bpm. First chord as a crotchet and second as a crotchet then a minum rest.
This makes one bar. It also allows time to stop & replay the triad. Now
save that Sibelius file as a midi file. [Latebreaking news: MIDI
file zip can be downloaded here!]
Import it into Noteworthy composer.
To randomly select just scroll along using the left and right arrows while
not facing the screen. Press F5 to play and F6 to stop. Pressing F5 again will
replay.
It seems to be working well for me but I am still only on family 1.
Dear Maestro,
I was wondering what the name/model of the recording device you
use to
record the Harmony lectures is? I'm wanting to record some sounds in
open spaces outside to use in a composition but don't have anything
portable to record with yet. I keep meaning to ask you, but forget when
I see you.
Peace - Tiff
Dear Miff,
It's a "Zoom" mike, available from Billy Hydes.
Check out the Zoom
website.
Like a digital camera, it records to SD RAM, but like other companies,
they ship it with insufficient size memory - you need to upgrade
immediately!
Guru Jonathan.
6. Trouble with time signatures
Dear Maestro,
Just read your status, you're a very funny man! So I'm not sure if you
remember our last meeting but I asked you if you could cast your ears
upon a Kurt
Elling tune for me. The tune is called "the dance" it's number
4 on "the Messenger".
I'd love to know what you think the time
signature is. I can sing the vocal part until the cows come home but I
just don't know what it all means! I've asked a few people (Dave Tweedie,
Simon Rabl, Jarrah Whyte, Tony Priest) and none of them can work it out.
Sorry
to bother you with stuff like this but I don't know who else to ask and
i
know it won't be a problem for you.
Thanks Jonathan.
Cliff
High Cliff,
Well I reckon you have to stop drinking Cliff Juice and get into
some Luta Rakia - 'cause that's what they drink in Bulgaria and this Kurt Elling "Dance" track
is so simple they can dance to it sober!
Here's the bottom line, and you can share this news with those flunky students
who don't listen in my classes:
The cycle is simply in 62 (quavers, if you like). That's it! What's wrong with
you?
Until the whimpy fade-out coda, the bars are metred thus:
3/4
3/4
4/4
9/8
then again
3/4
3/4
4/4
9/8
with a final resting
2/4
take a sip of Luta Rakia and repeat...
Cheers! (or "Nazdrave" as we say in Bulgaria!)
Guru Jonathan.
Dear Maestro,
Who do YOU think we should vote for this coming election?
Peace out,
Steve "McSqueaks"
Dear Agony Stick,
My family has a "no politics" policy at the dinner table, and for good reason.
Inevitably, the only people attracted to politics are those that under no circumstances
should be allowed to enter politics as a profession. The more determined our
campaigning politicians become, the more we should suspect their ability to
rule the country. As the Federal Election draws closer, you will notice an
increasing air of desperation on the least-suited candidate's face. Recreating
the vibe of political party members at the dinner table through speculative
conversation is likely to cause you nausea,
constipation,
headaches, blurry vision, erectile dysfunction, or all of the above. So, vote
for the underdog.